Scenario: I go out with a girl one, two, maybe three times. Intimacy… probably involved. For whatever reason it doesn’t work out, either because the chemistry isn’t quite right or we don’t have a lot in common, two things necessary to sustain a longer relationship. I stop calling. Then months later I see her out, looking as good as ever.

It’s hard not to feel a little bit of doubt. When I see her again I probably have a couple drinks in me, and am a little more emotionally vulnerable. All the things that drove me to her in the first place, the vibe, the look, is right there in front of my face. But now she’s with another guy, and she’s having fun. Did I do the right thing?

When you meet a girl for the first time, that moment is probably going to be the best it’s going to get. Not all the time, but most of the time. Once I get to know her, any idea of a long term relationship is slowly crushed, driven by small doubts that add up as I spend more time with her. My idealized vision of her collapses. The chemistry created by the newness of it gradually fades away, and all that’s left is a tough decision of what to do. Do I put the effort to make this work, or do I take the easy out and just meet another girl. Unless you live in a small town, it’s easier to meet another girl.

It’s like couples who break up and then get back together. Initially things are great, but then the same thing that drove them apart in the first place resurfaces.

So the answer is yes, I always make the right decision. The seed of doubt you get later can be explained by loneliness or jealousy, two fickle emotions that relationships should never be based on.

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yeah, you can’t fake chemistry.

I dont know that meeting new girls is any easier than trying to work things out with old ones.

Long term monogamy isnt for everyone, and you may be better off with many short term relationships.

it kinda upsets me you think this way…

great relationships are not about learning how to love someone in spite of thier faults and little differences, you love because of them.

what a shame, and i thought we were destined to be wed.

You’re right. The reasons that you break up with someone the first time are always the same reasons you break up with them the second time around. I recently let my ex back into my life, and he was very sweet in the beginning, but things have slowly disintegrated into the same neurotic relationship we had before. This time it took one month instead of six.

I think you’d enjoy reading some Alain De Botton, particular On Love.

At your local bookseller.

I think Holiday makes a good point.

People don’t really change…ever. They can hide qualities better or grow-up a little or act how they think you want them to act in a more convincing manner, but those aren’t substantial changes.

So it all falls down (again). You made the right choice.

I am gonna have to agree with Holiday and V. In my personal experience I have never met a couple that broke up/stoped dating and then later successfully reunited, maybe for a while, but it eventually ended … again.

Nice post DCB, very insightful and below was very well said:

“So the answer is yes, I always make the right decision. The seed of doubt you get later can be explained by lonliness or jealousy, two fickle emotions that relationships should never be based on.”

GOOD POST.

Thats the exact same thing I said to the romans. That you can’t fake chemistry. Man they got pissed at me.

When I lose 10 pounds, we’ll make out, and then I’ll dump you and never look back.

I hate it when DCB is right.

Nice post DCB. Nobody is perfect. Everyone has their faults. But you need the core things in common–communication, common goals, chemistry of course, someone who lets you be yourself and makes you laugh. I agree with all above however, that once you break up, getting back together never works.

Today’s post really annoys me. Why do you assume that the decsion to pick things up with this girl is solely yours? Obviously if she had thought twice about you, she wouldn’t be out with another guy.

I hate to say it, but, I have to agree with you 100% for walking away and saying, “next”. If its not there at the beginning, its not going to get any better. why waste your time even thinking about it when theres another fun first date around the corner with someone else.

“Why do you assume that the decsion to pick things up with this girl is solely yours? Obviously if she had thought twice about you, she wouldn?t be out with another guy.”

Cause usually it is. So when a guy you like doesnt call you back, you stay home and feel sorry for yourself even months after? You’re a winner.

cat fight.

Actually, Miss RoLine has a good point. How is the decision to continue or end things entirely yours? How do you know this girl would even pick up the phone if you called?

Lack of chemistry or similar interests is usually felt both ways- the question of whether your “decision” is right or wrong is irrelevant if the relationship is wrong to begin with.

You are so emo.

Kidding. Nice one.

nice post. very true. personally I can tolerate the little things and quirks - but if I have doubts about the things that are a big deal to me, then I am gonna think twice about continuing the relationship…

yes… if chemistry or something important off. But do you really know someone in 3 dates? Do you ever foresee liking someone for the LT ever?

you made the right decision.

I agree, actually I’m pretty certain that one of those two feelings, or both, combined with the closeness that my ex and I already had are what have kept bringing him back to me..except that things are getting bad…please read my blog entry “where have all the cowboys gone” and comment, everyone.

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