DC NIGHTLIFE REVIEWS

By DCB

2005 New Year Edition
Total Number of Reviews: 95

Current Top 5
1 Eyebar | 2 Dragonfly | 3 Bar Rouge | 4 Spank @ 1223 | 5 Vida

New places you’ve been to that need reviewing: Lima, Science Club, Play, K Street Lounge, Indeblue, Poste, Blue Gin, Rumors

A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W |X | Y | Z

A

18th Street Lounge : 1212 18th St. NW., Washington D.C.
This place used to be exclusive, allowing only certain types of yuppies to enter. Lately, though, they are having a harder time filling their club, so even I got in with casual clothing. The music is jazzy snooze house with a crowd that actually isn’t too pretentious.

Air : Ronald Reagan Building, NW., Washington D.C.
This club is basically an outdoor sidewalk with music and alcohol. You will have a nice time here if the outside weather is mild. Of course they have the obligatory Miami-style VIP beds. They came back in 2004 with controversy concerning their decision to end their urban-themed Friday night party. The Post wrote about it.

Acropolis : 1337 Connecticut Ave. NW., Washington D.C.
Rumor has it that this place had management troubles, with one story involving a fist-fight between the manager and promoter. They closed down early 2004 to make way for Heritage.

Andalu : 1214 18th St. NW. Washington D.C.
This is a smaller club that has a hip, underground feel to it. The music is generally good and the crowd is diverse. This place is hit or miss depending on what night you go but I still like it better than Five.

Anzu : 2436 18th St. NW. Washington D.C.
The venue is nice and the bartenders are pretty friendly. Nothing extraordinary, but nothing bad either. Compared to other Adams Morgan venues this place is one of my favorites.

Atomic Billiards : 3427 Connecticut Ave. NW., Washington D.C.
Tiny pool hall with less than 10 tables.

Austin Grill : 7278 Woodmont Ave., Bethesda, MD.
Their food is mediocre and their bar is small.

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B

Bar Rouge : 1315 16th St. NW, Washington D.C.
This is one of those small, hip bars that charge $10+ for drinks. It’s still a great place to start a night and the drinks are usually awesome. Go on a Wednesday thru Friday when Michael the cool bartender is bartending.

The Barking Dog
: 4723 Elm Street, Washington D.C.

Downstairs is the generic bar area and upstairs is the club area. They desperately need to upgrade their sound system.

Billy Martin’s Tavern : 1264 Wisconsin Avenue NW, Washington D.C.
This bar really does feel like a tavern inside, and it even has a nice smell to it. The bar is very uncomfortable though, but I may stop by again when I turn 40.

Blue Room : 2321 18th Street, NW, Washington D.C.
Just another generic bar/lounge. Nothing special, though the music is passable. This place got on my shit list for 2004 because they would randomly change the cover charge for you. They think they are selling airline tickets the way the price is different for everyone.

Brass Monkey : 2317 18th Street NW, Washington D.C.
You know those bars that smell like barf and have disgusting bathrooms? This is that bar, though their upstairs bar isn’t that bad. Actually yeah it is. Lots of young people get drunk here.

Buffalo Billiards : 1330 19th St. NW, Washington D.C.
This is your standard issue billiard hall, but with hotter girls.

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C

Caddies On Cordell : 4922 Cordell Ave, Bethesda, MD.
This is a sports bar I will be going to after I turn 30, where I can meet a bunch of desperate women looking for a man to marry.

Caf? Asia : 1550 Wilson Blvd., Arlington, VA.
I love this place because the sushi is great and they have a nice separate bar area to mingle with the older people. Good place to take a date, as long as she doesn’t get the rice bowl and then eat it for 45 minutes and then say she’s too tired and has to go home.

Caf? Citron : 1343 Connecticut Ave. NW, Washington D.C.
If you’re into the Latin scene then you need to check this place out. This place is always packed, so there is always a line out the door. I get scared because the second floor feels like it is ready to collapse. If they move to a larger - and more stable - location, then I can see them being the Latin soul of DC or something.

Caf? Europa : 7820 Norfolk Ave., Bethesda, MD.
I’m going to hate on this place because I used to DJ there and the “assistant” of the manager, Gary Clark of Redskins fame, didn’t treat me very well. The Greek bartenders are cute, but the place was going through an identity crisis: they wanted a hip, young crowd but much of their clientele was old and unhip.

Camelot : 1823 M St. NW, Washington D.C.
I’m not a big fan of strip clubs, and this one hasn’t changed my opinion. I’ve been upstairs, to the so-called “VIP” floor, and it was pretty pathetic. A girl dances on her stage naked, and you can go up to her one at a time and slip in a bill. Then after their dance, they go to each table and ask for money.

Capital City Brewing Company : 1100 New York Avenue, NW, Washington D.C.
I had to dip in here to use the bathroom once, but took the time to notice the bar and clientele. This place attracts 25+ professionals who like beer. There were a lot of guys in suits here.

Capital Court - Washington Hilton : 1919 Connecticut Ave. NW, Washington D.C.
This hotel bar had a few old people eating peanuts. The check-in lobby was more exciting.

Chevy Chase Ballroom : 5207 Wisconsin Avenue NW, Washington D.C.
I went here over a year ago to check out the swing-dancing scene. Why I don’t know, but I will not be going back.

Chi Cha Lounge : 1624 U Street NW, Washington D.C.
The trendy lounge of yester-year, Chi Cha has comfortable seating in a room full of red, red, and more red. Every now and then you will see live Latin singer performances.

Chrome : 6845 Reed St., Bethesda MD, Washington D.C.
The interior design of this bar is tops for Bethesda. A little small, but a nice place to hang for a bit. (Update: I think this place closed down in 2004.)

Club Daedalus : 1010 Vermont Ave., NW, Washington D.C.
This club reminds me of a smaller version of Insomnia. Nothing extravagant here, but you really have to be aware of what night you go. There are gay nights, Asian nights, Russian nights, etc. The dance floor looks like it used to be a dungeon master pit.

Club Five : 1214 B 18th St. NW, Washington D.C.
Five is a fairly large club with multiple levels. It looks like this place may have some trouble getting people inside, but otherwise I have no complaints.

Club Heaven and Hell : 2327 18th Street NW, Washington D.C.
The basement is called Club Hell, but I think it should be called Club Barf because whenever I go it always smells like vomit. Club Heaven is slightly better, but that really doesn’t say much.

The Common Share : 2003 18th St., Washington D.C.
This bar’s gimmick is that all drinks are $3. Too bad it’s a disgusting dump that is not even fit for homeless people. If I want to drink in a dump I’ll go party in a college dorm. Update: They offer top shelf drinks now for a little bit more.

Cornerstone Grill and Loft : 7326 Baltimore Avenue, College Park, MD

The layout of this bar is pretty nice, including pool tables upstairs. But unfortunately, the Greek scene hangs out here, with their Abercrombie visors and tassle belts ruining the ambiance.

Cosi : Everywhere
This is a nice generic-styled coffee shop. Some locations serve alcohol.

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D

Daily Grill : 1200 18th Street NW, Washington D.C.
Just a chill bar if you want to grab a drink. I can see my Dad hanging out here if he didn’t just have his fourth kid.

Dave and Buster’s : 11301 Rockville Pike, Bethesda, MD
This place is supposed to make you feel young again with their video games and what-not. It’s basically a Chuck E Cheese’s for adults.

Divino Lounge : 7345-B Wisconsin Ave., Bethesda, MD
A decent lounge by Bethesda standards. It doesn’t seem to have the cheese that comes with Bethesda nightspots. Supposedly their food is good.

Dragonfly : 1215 Connecticut Ave. NW, Washington D.C.
Just another lounge, but this one serves sushi. (Makes me remember the time that Platinum was turning into a sushi bar.) I like this place and have been hanging out here more in the second half of 2004. There is never a cover charge and the people aren’t too bad.

Dream : 1350 Okie St. NE, Washington D.C.
This is actually a very nice club, but too bad it’s in the ghetto. Once I went on a boxing fight night, and some crowd members actually thought it’d be a good idea to get into some fights too. Regardless, they have many floors so there is something for everyone. They still pack ‘em in as of late 2004.

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E

ESPN Zone : 555 12th St. NW, Washington D.C.
Generic sports bar.

Eyebar : 1716 I Street NW, Washington D.C.
New for 2004, Eyebar came into the scene with a hot Saturday night party and has done very well. Early in the year you could get in anytime, but towards the end they started getting “exclusive”, requiring you to be on the guestlist for certain parties. It can get a little crowded inside and challenging to get a drink from the slacker bartenders, but for some reason I like this place and try to go regularly.

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F

Felix Lounge : 2406 18th St. NW, Washington D.C.
I like Felix Lounge. It’s like the bigger brother of Spy Lounge, but with live music sometimes. The set-up of this lounge makes mingling easy when it’s not loud.

Fireplace : 2161 P St. NW, Washington D.C.
This is a gay bar that Som made me go to. We didn’t stay long.

Front Page : 1333 New Hampshire Avenue NW, Washington D.C.
I don’t like this place too much. It’s just another white people bar, though a lot of girls flock here for some reason. Their back bar is more cozy.

Fur : 33 Patterson St NE, Washington D.C.
Friday night is International night and Saturday night hosts Glow. The club itself is pretty nice, with multiple floors and private rooms decorated with flat screen televisions. The sound system is great, but on the main floor the bass rattles the light fixtures and it gets pretty annoying after a while. Your experience here will probably be very similar to Dream right down the street.

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G

Garrett’s : 3003 M Street NW, Washington D.C.

I used to go to this bar often, but I despise it now. It’s a dirty bar that has dirty people.

Glow : 714 Sixth St. NW, Washington D.C.

Glow used to be held at Insomnia on Saturday’s, but now they have moved to Fur nightclub near Dream. If you are looking for good trance music, this is the best place to go. Just don’t let a glow stick poke your eye out.

Gua-Rapo : 2039 Wilson Blvd., Arlington, VA

Another typical lounge that plays house music. This place was hyped by a lot of people but I don’t really see the draw. I guess it would make a nice date venue.

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H

Harbour Club : 3000 K St NW, Washington D.C.

This is a nice club, but it’s a little on the small side. Or you can spin it around and say it’s “cozy and intimate.” But not anymore because they closed down early 2004.

Helix Lounge : 1430 Rhode Island Ave. NW, Washington D.C.

This is one of the best decorated bars I’ve been too, with some neat chairs that light up as you sit on them. This bar has a good amount of mingling gay men.

Heritage : 1337 Connecticut Ave. NW., Washington D.C.

Replacing the defunct Acropolis, Heritage is an Indian themed restaurant bar that attracts an international crowd. Promoters sometimes use the basement to throw private parties. Nothing to really see here.

Home : 911 F St. NW, Washington D.C.

I think the owners of this club have done a good job designing the place and making the most out of limited space. In a nutshell this club is Dream-lite but in a better neighborhood.

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I

Insomnia : 714 Sixth St. NW, Washington D.C.

The actual club is huge with multiple floors, but they haven’t caught on the recent trend of other clubs (see VIP & Dream) of having a more posh and luxurious atmosphere. They closed down in 2004 to make way for Fur.

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J

Jaleo : 7271 Woodmont Ave., Bethesda, MD

A girl tried to get me to take her there, so I guess their food is good. I’ve only had their sangria. I consider it more of a restaurant than a bar.

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K

Kelly’s Irish Times : 14 F St. NW, Washington D.C.

The upstairs area is usually packed with white people, and then you can go downstairs into the shady club area. This guy tried to fight me here once when I hit on his girlfriend. I don’t plan on returning because my bedroom is more fun.

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L

Lucky Bar : 1221 Connecticut Ave NW, Washington D.C.

What do you get when you stick a white trash bar in the middle of trendy Dupont Circle? Lucky Bar! You will catch me walk in once every couple of months, and then walk right back out two minutes later.

Lulu’s : 1217 22nd Street NW, Washington D.C.

This is the cheesiest club in all of DC. They play songs on 99.5 all night and then you have to deal with all the annoying, fake people. I vow never to return.

Lupo’s Italian Chophouse : 17416 Baltimore Ave, College Park, MD.

Come here on a Thursday night and go straight upstairs to the club area. They have a large dance floor with hip hop to go along with cheap drinks. If the college crowd is your thing, this is worth a look. Bring your college ID for a discount at the door.

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M

Madhatter : 1831 M Street NW, Washington D.C.

Generic dirty bar.

Maxim : 1725 F Street NW, Washington D.C.

Maxim is a Russian restaurant by day, a club by night. It’s small enough to get that intimate party feel, but large enough to spread your wings and do some crazy dance moves. We always have fun here, but it stopped when the owner ran into some government trouble and had to close the place down.

MCCXXIII
: 1223 Connecticut Ave. NW, Washington D.C.

I have a love-hate relationship with 1223. The actual club, atmosphere, and music is pretty good, but unfortunately the clientele think they are special because they can pay a $10 cover to get into this place. Towards the end of 2004 this place was alright on Thursday nights, where you went straight upstairs into the Spank VIP area. Try to get into Spank on other nights for a more classy experience, and ignore the meatheads dancing on beds.

McFadden’s
: 2401 Pennsylvania Ave. NW, Washington D.C.

This place isn’t as cheesy as Lulu’s, and comes across as a hip Irish bar. That means it is full of white people.

Meze
: 2437 18th St NW, Washington D.C.

Go here if you want to meet Turkish girls. It can get pretty cramped in here.

Mie N Yu
: 3125 M St. NW, Washington D.C.

The bar is actually very nice but some of the decorations are a little tacky. They seem to pull an international crowd most nights.

Mister Days
: 3100 Clarendon Blvd., Arlington, VA

Standard cheese bar with your top-4o music.

Modern
: 3287 M St. NW, Washington D.C.

This “hip” lounge wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The sunken bar is nice and the music is decent. Too bad it’s in Georgetown though.

Montgomery’s Grille
: 7200 Wisconsin Avenue, Bethesda, MD

Nothing special here, just a generic bar. The waitresses here are almost always busty. Drove by January 2005 and they are now closed!

Mr. Smith’s of Georgetown
: 3104 M Street NW, Washington D.C.

This place is always crowded with drunk, older people singing songs I’ve never heard of.

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N

Nation
: 1015 Half St. SE, Washington D.C.

Go here if you want to get your car broken into and asked if you “roll” a dozen times. Otherwise, the music is good if you are into House, DnB, and other electronica.

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O

Ozio
: 1813 M St. NW, Washington D.C.

Standard yuppie club, where many BMW drivers will be found. Their cover charge is outrageous.

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P

Panache : 1725 Desales St NW, Washington D.C.

A 2004 new-comer that has hosted several Russian parties. Similar to Dragonfly in feel but with only one floor, Panache has a very good sound system for its size.

Park Bench Pub : 3433 Connecticut Ave NW, Washington D.C.

What a dump.

Platinum
: 915 F St. NW, Washington D.C.

The thing I don’t like about Platinum is that they pack the place to overcapacity, making it hard to move some nights, but I don’t know if they still pack it in like that anymore. This club has a younger clientele last time I checked and still gets the college crowd. This is the first club that people go to when they get old enough because they advertise on major radio stations. I have not been there since 2002.

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Q

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R

Reef
: 2446 18th St. NW, Washington D.C.
This is one my favorite Adams Morgan bars. It’s clean and they keep the prices down on the alcohol (try their Cider). You will find a moderately diverse crowd drinking here, though not many good-looking girls.

Rhino
: 3295 M Street NW, Washington D.C.

This bar is frequented by college students, especially from Georgetown. Nothing special going on here and the bartenders are pricks.

RJ Bentley’s
: 7323 Baltimore Ave., College Park, mD

I like this bar a little better than it’s most similar rival, Cornerstone. The back area smells like vomit much of the time though..

Rock Bottom
: 7900 Norfolk Avenue, Bethesda, MD

You have to hit Rock Bottom to come to this place. I wouldn’t choose to hang out here.

Rumor’s
: 1900 M St. NW, Washington D.C.

This is a single’s bar for the over 30 crowd. I’m not returning for 10 years.

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S

Saki Asian Grill
: 2477 18th St. NW, Washington D.C.

The downstairs bar is nicely decorated, but awkwardly placed far below the customers. I had higher expectations for the sushi here. Update: They now have an upstairs club area. They’ve hired many promoters to get it going and their Wednesday nights turned into the place to be in summer 2004. I think Modern took some of their Wednesday night crowd towards the end of the year.

Saloun
: 3239 M Street NW, Washington D.C.

This is the only Jazz bar I’ve been to, and recently they get a new lighted sign!

Sante Fe Caf?
: 4410 Knox Rd., College Park, MD

This is the biggest College Park bar. Not the hottest girls, but the friendliest ones.

Sequoia
: 3000 K Street NW, Washington D.C.

When people whine about how stuffy the DC scene is, they are referring to the people that come here. If the weather is right, take a date here on a weekday and watch the guys pick up girls in their docked boats.

Shark Club
: 4915 St. Elmo Avenue, Bethesda, MD

This is just a generic club with pool tables. They closed down early 2004.

Sign of the Whale
: 1825 M Street NW, Washington D.C.

Dump.

Spices
: 3333-A Connecticut Ave. NW, Washington D.C.

This place has nice atmosphere with a great sushi bar. This is probably the best sushi I’ve had in DC.

Spy Lounge
: 2406 18th St NW, Washington, DC

This isn’t a bad lounge at all, though there is not too many nice chairs to “lounge” on. I wouldn’t go in if they are charging a cover though.

Strike Bethesda
: 5353 Westbard Ave., Bethesda, MD

A bowling alley that doubles as a bar. I used to go on Monday nights which is college night. Bowling is boring.

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T

Third Edition
: 1218 Wisconsin Avenue NW, Washington D.C.

The Tiki bar area in the back is where you want to go here. This bar is probably the most fun in Georgetown, but of course that is not saying much.

The Tombs
: 1226 36th St. NW, Washington D.C.

Tiny bar in the heart of Georgetown University, frequented by its students. The burgers are delicious.

Tommy Joe’s
: 4714 Montgomery Lane, Bethesda, MD

This bar epitomizes Bethesda: cookie-cutter guys and girls who all look the same. They play top-4o fare. I checked in a year later and I saw the same exact people. Don’t they go anywhere else?

Tom Tom
: 2333 18th Street, Washington D.C.

This place is always packed with people, with a mix of college guys and girls. It’s worth at least a stop-by on your Friday or Saturday night in Adams Morgan if you’re under 24.

Tony and Joe’s
: 3000 K Street NW, Washington D.C.

This place is almost identical to Sequoia’s, but smaller.

Topaz Bar
: 1733 N St. NW, Washington D.C.

Similar the Rouge, Topaz has the expensive drinks and hip atmosphere going. I like coming here with a friend to just hang out and drink.

Tryst
: 2459 18th St. NW, Washington D.C.

I remember the first time I went to this coffee shop, I saw a homeless man and a businessman in a suit sitting next to each other reading. This place attracts a very diverse crowd.

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U

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V

Vida : 1120 20th St. N.W., Washington D.C.

This place is usually good on Saturday night’s, where you mingle downstairs and stare at the cute married bartender, or go upstairs and listen to a mostly hip hop mix. Don’t take the rudeness from the biggest bouncer personally… he’s mean to everyone.

The VIP Club
: 932 F St. NW, Washington D.C.

Very similar to Dream, VIP is owned by the same guy who runs Platinum. This place has something for everyone, and it’s usually a fun time here. Update: They closed down in 2004 to make way for office buildings. The owners later opened Pearl in Georgetown. I get nostalgic when I think about this place.

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W

Willie and Reed’s
: 4901-A Fairmont Ave., Bethesda, MD

Standard sports bar.

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X

Xhale
: 244 S. Jefferson Street, Frederick, MD

This is a white trash club up in Frederick. What was I thinking?

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Y

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Z

Zaytinya
: 701 9th St. NW, Washington D.C.

Here you can order those trendy tapas, which are small portioned dishes that wouldn’t fill up an 8 year old. This idea clashes with my values since I am a large-meal kind of guy. The bar is very trendy, with mostly 30 something staring at each other. The highlight though is the belly dancer. This one particular belly dancer made eye contact with me several times during her performance. Even though she did this to everyone, I think she liked me.

Zebra Lounge : 3238 Wisconsin Ave. Washington D.C.

A chill lounge that has a very nicely decorated interior. The drinks are alright but the crowd will vary depending on if there is a private party or not. I’d take a date here.

CUM DUMPSTERS… NO, SERIOUSLY

By DCB

I read the entire 9,000-word lead article in last Sunday’s New York Times Magazine: Wanted: A Few Good Sperm. I have lifted the most interesting quotes from the article so you don’t have to waste your time like I did. The quotes are not all from the same woman. Grab a drink.

She also printed the [sperm] donor’s picture and kept it on the coffee table of her Manhattan studio apartment, where she sleeps in a Murphy bed. “I kind of glance at it as I pass,” she said of the picture. “It’s almost like when you date someone, and you keep looking at them, and you’re, like, Are they cute? But every time I pass, I’m, like, Oh, he’s really cute. It’s a comforting feeling.”

Translation: I’m totally capable of fantasy relationships.

“With online dating, friends used to say: ‘What about him? What about him?’ I’d say: ‘Don’t like the nose. Ah, the eyes are a little buggy. He really likes to golf, and you know I don’t like golfing.’ There was always something.”

Translation: There is not a man alive that meets my standards.

Single Mothers by Choice, a 25-year-old support group, took in nearly double the number of new members in 2005 as it did 10 years ago [...] (the median age among members is 36)

“By choice” :laugh:

I made a graph to explain the amazing growth this group is experiencing:

Coincidence? I think not.

“I certainly never thought I would be the last one standing,” she said. “You feel a little bit resentful, like, Gosh, how did I get here? Blind date after blind date ? why can’t it be easy for me like it was for other people? Right up until I ordered the sperm and made the doctor’s appointment, I was filled with anxiety. I felt sad, overwhelmed. Now I’m completely at peace with it.”

Translation: I really fucked up but I can’t admit it.

“People would say, ‘Oh, it’s just a date ? don’t expect anything,”‘ she said, sipping her ice water. “‘Just go out and have a good time.’ But then you’d get four calls that night: How was it? What did you think? Did you like him? Why wouldn’t you go out with him again? There was so much pressure. It became a job.”

Translation: I loved bragging to my friends about all the attention I received from men. But then the attention didn’t do it for me anymore and I realized I’m not even capable of a normal relationship.

“I imagine one day when I get to heaven there will be a whole room full of missing socks and men :),” Karyn once wrote to me in an e-mail message. “I hope the men will be wearing the socks.”

Translation: ??
I have no idea what this means. Is sock a euphemism for fuck stick?

“But I think if I had to choose today between becoming a mom or finding the perfect man and I could only have one today, I would choose becoming a mom.”

Translation: My failed search for the perfect man has resulted in expensive monthly syringe injections of anonymous semen in my vagina.

A 6-foot-1 blonde who speaks with disarming frankness, she came to America 10 years ago with the man she would later marry, only to find that he didn’t want children. After their divorce, she was engaged to another man who kept postponing their wedding ? she still has a set of “Save the Date” cards in her closet. Having always wanted passionately to be a mother, she decided to use a “known donor,” a close gay friend, also German, to help her conceive.

Translation: I got pumped and dumped so many times it would make your head spin. The only man who is willing to father my baby is someone who would never do it naturally.

She was also attracted by the idea of a donor of another race. “I believe in multiculturalism,” she said. “I would probably choose somebody with a darker skin color so I don’t have to slather sunblock on my kid all the time. I want it to be a healthy mix. You know how mixed dogs are always the nicest and the friendliest and the healthiest? If you get a clear race, they have all the problems. Mutts are always the friendly ones, the intelligent ones, the ones who don’t bark and have a good character. I want a mutt.”

Translation: I watch a lot of MTV and everyone seems so beautiful and happy.

“He really was the typical Aryan perfect human being,” she said, laughing. “He was a bodybuilder. He played the guitar and the drums, and he sang. He was captain of the rugby team in college. When I had the in vitro process done, the embryologist said: ‘This is some of the best sperm I’ve ever seen. It just about jumped out of the test tubes.”‘

Translation: But if I really met him, I’d surely find something wrong with his appearance or personality.

“Taking this whole ‘I have to find the father of my child’ out of the equation might make it a lot more relaxed and easier,” she said. “The guys are smelling it, and they run.” And even if the guy held still, he might not be the one you’d pick ? or even consider ? if you weren’t desperate for kids.

Translation: I knew I was in trouble when I could no longer hide my desperation from men.

“This baby will be my baby, only my baby,” Karyn told me that night at Caliente Cab. “The thing I’m afraid of is that after doing this, I might not want to get married. It seems like a lot of hard work, a lot of compromise. Someone ends up short, and usually it’s the mom, because by the time you get to the child and your husband and the dog, there’s not much left.”

Translation: I never even intended to be a good wife.

“I thought I could have kids until my period ended, and menopause is 50, right?” said another woman I met at a Single Mothers by Choice meeting in Washington, who began trying to conceive at 44.

Translation: Blah blah blah feel sorry for my idiocy.

One [sperm donor] was Indian: “He’s got black straight hair,” she told me, “brown eyes, he’s six feet but he only weighs 150. Which is good. If I have a girl, she wants to be skinny, and if she can eat what she wants, that’s perfect. You don’t have to get in fights about food.” [...] “Thick hair, which is also nice,” she said, “because if I happen to get a son, I don’t like bald guys. He’s Catholic, which I would obviously like, because I am. He has a very interesting book collection: he likes Hesse, Henry James, Lorca. Excellent vision. His parents are pretty boring professionally, so I was a little concerned about that.”

Translation: Babies are so much fun - like shopping for shoes!

One woman, a 40-year-old graduate student in biology in the Midwest, told me shortly after her first insemination: “One of the things that was so powerful about deciding to have a baby on my own was saying, I’m taking charge of this piece of it; I’m not going to wait around for a guy to give it to me

Translation: I waited for such a long time but no guy would give it to me.

“I have this big fear in my life that I never will be pregnant. You see these pregnant women on the street, and you’re, like, How does it feel? What’s going on in your mind, in your heart? I want to feel it!”

Translation: It’s like when you see someone with this amazing new purse and you just have to have it!

The doctor came back and placed the straw of clear, yellowish sperm in a slim glass cylinder and removed a drop to look at under a microscope. “We have very good motility,” he said. “This is a good specimen.”

I liked the use of the word specimen. Possible usage: “Sweetie, I accidentally got some specimen on your face again.”

Shelby does have a boyfriend: a 52-year-old bachelor who works at a pharmaceutical company, whom she met at a party when Christopher was a month old. “He’s been a great person in my life and Christopher’s life, but he’s not going to marry me,” she explained over the phone when we first spoke. “Some people just don’t want to do that, and he’s one of those people.”

Translation: He is a very smart men.

Last fall, she went to the Donor Sibling Registry and got a shock: the Aryan bodybuilder with the leaping sperm has fathered 21 children (and counting ? he is still an active donor), including four sets of twins. These children are all 3 and under, and their families ? four lesbian couples, three heterosexual couples and six single mothers ? have formed their own Listserv…

That guy has won the game of life. No one reading will ever father that many children. His seed will go on for generations while you continue wasting time on the internet.

He was saying he was one of these what he calls old-fashioned guys: if his wife is going to have a child, he’s going to be in the waiting room until the child is delivered and washed. I’m, like, wait a second. Don’t you think you should go through this together? He said, ‘No, I’m going to faint, and I’m going to throw up.” [...] “He’s not cut out to be a provider, to be a protector or to be a patriarch,” Daniela said. “He can’t be there when the child is born; he can’t make the living for the family. Maybe what bothered him is that he couldn’t offer what he would like to offer. So he made it, like, taste bad.”

Translation: No man wants to knock me up even if I payed them.

I had never heard her so low. “Everything is so hard, and it’s so degrading,” she said. “You always think that you’d go through this with somebody that would support you. You don’t think about having all the problems, let alone doing it on your own.”

Time flies ladies. This could be you in 10 years.

THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF DC BLOGS: ROUND 2

By DCB

Six more DC blogs are up for review by the mysterious Illuminati. A couple blogs de-linked me after the last round of hate, and I expect more of the same this time. But look on the bright side: at least I link your blog. I won’t be providing any introductory comments this time around.

Crazy Girl City.

Murdoc: Something doesn’t add up. A divorced bird lives with her fat boyfriend and a dog in Virginia. No city. No crazy adventures. Just a [[censored]] spewing shit about nothing. I’d rather call me mum.

Egg Shen: This girl’s blog title says it all for Egg Shen. She really is kookoo for cocoa puffs. Kicked out of Air Force for being whacko. Now she takes it out on us with her teeny, tiny little font and her blog diarrhea. Where’s Corporal Klinger when you need him?

Brutus: With all of these ridiculous stories, drama either follows her like a shadow, or she’s making this shit up. Either way, this longwinded witless tripe makes me want to overmedicate her. Your boyfriend is a very unlucky man.

DC Urban Family.

Murdoc: Oh, don’t we all just hate the Dirty Vag? I wonder what a gay boy could have against the vag… Oh right. Well then. Why don’t you take your deep-rooted fear of women, your near-invisible pussy posse, and watch a few more episodes of Laguna Beach? Surely there are some screaming girl-phrases you haven’t picked up and worn into the ground just yet?

Egg Shen: Egg Shen say it is better to be thought a fool and remain silent than blog about your boring assed life and remove all doubt. These turds are like a white trash version of “Three’s Company”. Egg Shen say shut the fuck up, DC Urban Family. You are not hip or provocative and nobody cares. NO. BODY.

Brutus: 1- Shirtless Thursday. 2- *Hands Flutter*. 3- I like starbucks. 4- Rinse and repeat. Did I get the gist of it? Wake me up when you have something original to say.

Stuckina.

Egg Shen: [[censored]]

Murdoc: Oh, bloody hell. This bird is a Hooters Girl? Does she work at the [[censored]] Hooters in the US, then? I mean, who made this shite up, man? Nascar? Bar bitch tales? All I gotta say is [[censored]] fell out of the old [[censored]] tree and hit every branch on the way down. Somebody step on her neck and put us all out of our misery.

Brutus: Hey, another fabulous 23 year old girl blogger. You’re fabulous, honey, you’re really fabulous. Do you feel good about yourself now? Good, now go play with your dollies and leave the blogging to the adults you fucking vapid hack.

Son Of Clown Ops.

Brutus: Not only did someone marry this gun-toting lunatic, but now he’s breeding? God help us all.

Murdoc: Who gave fucking King Kong a weapon? No matter what this bloke writes about - walking his mutts, riding the tube, his preggo wife - I picture him with one hand on his substitute dick, ready to gun down anyone who looks the slightest bit dodgy. Kind of like Homer Simpson, shooting out the lights in every room before turning in. Nobody tattoo a target on his baby…

Egg Shen: Egg Shen think that blog title a misspelling. Should be called: “Son of Klan Ops”. Stay out in suburbs where you belong, redneck. Better yet, do us all a favor and take you and your kinfolk somewhere with better access to guns, Jee-zus, and pretty white robes. You make Mao look like Captain Kangaloo.

Chaseing Complaceny.

Brutus: I wish you could hear the sound of my head banging against the wall as I read your inane post about Arby’s chicken sandwiches. No one fucking cares what kind of champagne you drink while flicking the bean - get a life.

Murdoc: I’ve not run across a needier bird in my lifetime. Every bloody word screams “like me, like me!” And what sort of nutter writes one day about trying to get knocked up and the next about getting a vibrator delivery? No more news about your snatch, please. Cheers.

Egg Shen: Gah! Another big, sassy black woman! But oh-so boring. Egg Shen just hope bastard baby is not as stupid as its mother.

City Sparkle.

Brutus: City Sparkle, the name that reminds me of Mr. Sparkle from the Simpsons. But not as funny.

Murdoc: How many words can it possibly take to get across the message that a young bird is lonely, needy, stupid, undateable, and absolutely desperate for male contact? I don’t know, mate. How many words have already been wasted on this blog?

Egg Shen: Egg Shen want to sue this girl for false advertisement. [[censored]] Get back into the cave, Frodo. Stop trying to play with the big kids.

I need to go shower now.

LIMA NIGHTCLUB

By DCB

In a quest to find a suitable DC hangout, I am willing to try anywhere once. This Saturday it was Lima, a restaurant/lounge/night club that opened last month. At first I thought the name referred to the capital of Peru, but a friendly hostess told me it actually means lime. I’m going to have to disagree with her and state the true translation: “We make the weakest fucking drinks in all of DC, so you better bring some money you poser scum.” I was the designated driver but was still able to safely put down many many mixed drinks, including one bought by a not-so-ambiguously gay duo that my friend chatted up for two hours. He did get more drinks out of them than I did, but I passed to talk to a real woman. (Legal disclaimer: My BAC was under 0.08 according to the cops that pulled me over after I crashed into the median.)

Regardless of the drinks situation, me and my newly-gay friend ended up having a really good time, probably because there was no lame hip-hop and the 22-year-old ass humpers that go with it. The girls were friendly and there wasn’t much attitude. Lima is worth a visit if you don’t mind the international crowd with token white people thrown in (for color contrast).

In other social news, Kathryn is having a happy hour tonight.

THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF DC?S BLOGS: VALENTINES DAY EDITION

By DCB

I selected eight random blogs and submitted them to the Illuminati. They reviewed each one and I picked six for you to read. We’ll now go through these reviews one at a time. I will say that upon full review, these are not as offensive as I wished. I will supplement some of the weaker hate with some hating of my own.

Let’s start with with Jessa Jeffries, a girl who has a special place in my heart (and Furball’s too)…

Egg Shen: Chinese proverb say, “Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one.”
Jessa one hot fortune cookie, but for fuck’s sake, how about using spell check once in a while?
Spell it with Egg Shen… “ridiculously poignent”, not “rediculously poinent”. Fuck. What a hot dumbass.

Brutus: Okay, you think you’re hot. We fucking get it!

Murdoc: Sorry you’re getting married so young, dear, but does knowing nasty lonely dudes wank off to old photos of you really make you feel better about yourself?

Oooh bust. I will say that I do enjoy her photos… at night… alone… naked… with lube… in my right hand… and a tight grip. Anyways. The next blog is DC Gays Of Our Lives.

Brutus: We’re going to have to find a new word for gay, because “gay” isn’t enough to describe just how gay this blog is. It’s ubergay. And uberboring.

Egg Shen: Zzzzzz. Zzzzzzzz. Huh? What? Egg Shen thought homos supposed to be interesting and provocative. Like “Will And Grace”.
Nothing more tiresome than Chatty Kathys. With dicks.

Murdoc: Only good for grabbing the newest, gayest lingo around. Otherwise, heteros clearly not welcome. Just like Shirtless Thursdays at Green Lantern! Tee hee!

Calling a gay blog gay is like 50 Cent calling Fat Joe fat. It just doesn’t have zing. I will just say that this gay crew seems to have the most fun at the happy hours. Moving on to Rock Creek Rambler…

Brutus: Oh boy, another fucking post about the smoking ban. This douche needs to get over it and move on with his life.

Murdoc: Secretly gay. One minute he’s all hard saying fuck this and that, anarchy in the UK, and the next he’s talking about the veal fireworks in his mouth at dinner. Repressed poofter.

Egg Shen: Rock Creek so smug and all-knowing in his smarmy little world. Must be nice to be punching the time clock at the law office at 10 AM.
Wait until boss find out about blog. You’ll be laughing yourself silly all the way to poorhouse. Asshole.

Props to Egg Shen for finishing strong with the RCR hate. I do not know what a “poofter” is but I’m sure it’s bad. Next up is a member of his drinking society, Jordan Baker, a delusional person who was dealt severe ownage by yours truly. I think she is the only person I have made cry through my blog power.

Brutus: Doesn’t she have anything better to talk about than her eyebrows and her broken keyboard? I predict that one day she will be the owner of many, many cats.

Murdoc: Schoolmarm playing at bright-but-cute popular girl. Without photos, I’m not buying it. Off with Miss Ichabod’s boring, long-winded head.

Egg Shen: Gahhhh! For fuck’s sake! Enough with the pink and magenta fonts. Make Egg Shen feel like Lo Pan pluck out other good eye.
Baker seriously in need of editor. Overly long, boring posts make Egg Shen want to go ass-rape neighbor’s cat.

I think it’s ironic that someone working towards a graduate degree in English has one of the most unreadable blogs on the internet. How about another female blogger, Rhinestone Cowgirl…

Egg Shen: When Cowgirl leave for Egypt? What? Not going because of lymphoma scare? Sounds to Egg Shen like desperate cry for attention. Quit smoking pot. Maybe that will help.

Murdoc: Even with all the nasty sexual details spilled here, I just don’t care about this psycho bird. All the expensive clothes and make-up in the free world can’t cover up the crazy, love.

Brutus: It’s like a neurotic, self-absorbed trainwreck careening over the cliff of Too Much Information.

OWNED! This is how hating is done people. I think my heart is beating faster. Okay then moving on to the final review of DCeiver, DC’s version of George Constanza.

Egg Shen: Chinese proverb say, “Kill one to warn a hundred.” DCeiver’s blog sucks. You are saved. Thank Egg Shen later.

Brutus: I can’t wait for the next boring, endless recapitulation of “Lost.” It’s like Tolstoy meets TV Guide.

Murdoc: Biggest fucking name dropper I’ve ever seen. Only problem? The names you’re dropping are blog geeks, mate. Wonkette dropped you pretty bloody fast as well.

Umm I guess we didn’t save the best for last. And I’m not sure what point Egg Shen was trying to get across.

Well that concludes this first installment of the Illumnati’s Unbearable Lightness. I’m sure there will be another.

GIRL SMARTS

By DCB

Here are 30 tips that I’ve noticed or been told by others. You don’t have to have it all, but each one helps.

Buy nice clothes. Buy a nice pair of shoes, pants, and a couple shirts. Look in men’s magazines and ask the opinions of store clerks or girlfriends for a style that will fit you. I suggest French Connection, Banana Republic, H&M, and sometimes the Gap. If that isn’t your style, at least aim for a minor upgrade.

Get a nice hair cut. Look at current movie actors for inspiration, such as Brad Pitt or Colin Farrell. Take pictures to a barber, or better yet, a gay stylist.

Be a little bit metrosexual. Pluck your eyebrows if they are too thick, and trim your underarm, ear, and nose hair. Use facial products or medicines to improve your face. Put gel in your hair when you go out.

Find a good cologne. People forget that smell is very important in attraction. Go to a department store and try out all their cologne. Check out what the top sellers are and ask for female opinions.

Check your breath. You can be the biggest pimp in your world, but if your breath reeks, you are not going to get any. Rinse with Listerine and brush before you go out.

Maintain good hygiene. Getting shit on the toilet seat (like one of my roommates) or skid marks in your underwear is symptomatic of a large hygiene problem. Take care of yourself.

Go to the gym. One of the best ways to build confidence is to feel good about how you look. If you think you are too fat, then focus on losing weight until you feel comfortable. Get cut.

Talk. This is most important. You must be comfortable speaking with humans, young and old, everywhere you go. Strike up conversations with store clerks, coworkers, acquaintances, and anyone else. Read the book Conversationally Speaking.

Be interesting. The most interesting guys are well-read and well-traveled. Their experience is so vast that they always have an interesting story or fact to share. If you are doing the same boring thing everyday in your room, you won’t have many interesting things to talk about.

Be passionate. Choose hobbies and activities that get you excited. Share this excitement with others. Expose people to your world; they will want in.

Lose the fear. This is the hardest thing for some guys to accept. They imagine bad things in their mind, preventing them from action. The only way to lose the fear is to do the exact thing you fear.

Get rejected. When you get rejected, you learn about attraction and what it takes to succeed. Ironically, you learn the most from rejection, not success. I don’t know of a guy that is successful with women who does not get rejected consistently. It builds confidence.

Be cool. While being “cool” is subjective, a good indicator if you are cool or not is to see if people want to hang out with you. Coolness encompasses a lot of qualities depending on where you live, such as style, slang, humor, and balls (risk-taking ability). Stay current.

Have character. While it’s okay to get what you want, it is not okay to lie and take advantage of people. Would you want a guy hurting your sister?

Don’t qualify yourself. There is no need to explain your behaviors and flaws to other people. Don’t show up to a date and say, “Sorry I don’t look great, I just got off work.” Don’t let a girl ask you questions proving yourself to her. Let her qualify herself to you.

Approach. You greatly increase your success by getting out and talking to girls.

Look your best at all times. The one girl you really want will show up when you are looking like you just rolled out of bed.

Be funny. I watched Seinfeld and Simpsons as a kid so I get most of my humor from those shows. Don’t laugh at your own jokes.

Touch. Show that you are comfortable with her by touching her. Read the palm of her hand for fun.

Build a large social circle. It is easier to meet girls who are friends with your friends. Be generally outgoing and fun to meet new people, even if they don’t offer an obvious gains.

Tell stories. Find a few interesting and funny things that have happened to you and make excellent stories out of them. Focus on the feelings instead of the minor details. People are always entertained by stories.

Don’t smother. The more you push, the more she will pull away. As a general rule, leave the girl space to think about you and why you aren’t calling or asking her out. Just remember they will like you more if you don’t turn into a needy rag.

Be a man. Hold on to your own opinions and beliefs, and don’t be afraid to get into an argument with her. If she starts crying, ask if you can eat her sandwich.

Improve your body language. You should have your head and shoulders high, walking with a strong confidence, yet a liquid grace. Watch some James Bond movies for examples.

Maintain eye contact. You’ve heard the phrase, “the eyes are windows to a person’s soul.” Real connection takes place with the eyes. Don’t break eye contact you have with strangers; let them look away first.

Figure out attraction. Stop thinking in terms of “What can I do to make her like me,” and start thinking about how the emotion of attraction works and how you can make her feel it for you (hint: being insecure doesn’t work).

Tease. Teasing works if she laughs or playfully hits you. It does not work if she gets offended or insulted. I tease girls like I would my kid sister.

Be fun. Make the most out of every situation and always be upbeat and ready to party. People will automatically get drawn to you. Don’t be afraid to let loose and do what’s fun.

Have game. Lots of internet sites online will teach you techniques and lines, but the best way to learn is through friends who are good with women. Find out how they deal with women in specific situations. Read books such as The 48 Laws of Power and The Art of Seduction to better understand human behavior.

Relax. If a girl is feelin’ you, then great. If not, then just smile and move on. This is not to be taken too seriously.

You can do these 30 things and get laid, maybe even regularly, but you will never be the guy fucking the prom queen. There is only one tip you need if you want to be that guy that others envy….

Don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself. Fuck everything above and don’t try to impress a girl with money, clothes, appearance, personality, career, or humor. Work on your own shit and the girls will come to you.