In a quest to find a suitable DC hangout, I am willing to try anywhere once. This Saturday it was Lima, a restaurant/lounge/night club that opened last month. At first I thought the name referred to the capital of Peru, but a friendly hostess told me it actually means lime. I’m going to have to disagree with her and state the true translation: “We make the weakest fucking drinks in all of DC, so you better bring some money you poser scum.” I was the designated driver but was still able to safely put down many many mixed drinks, including one bought by a not-so-ambiguously gay duo that my friend chatted up for two hours. He did get more drinks out of them than I did, but I passed to talk to a real woman. (Legal disclaimer: My BAC was under 0.08 according to the cops that pulled me over after I crashed into the median.)

Regardless of the drinks situation, me and my newly-gay friend ended up having a really good time, probably because there was no lame hip-hop and the 22-year-old ass humpers that go with it. The girls were friendly and there wasn’t much attitude. Lima is worth a visit if you don’t mind the international crowd with token white people thrown in (for color contrast).

In other social news, Kathryn is having a happy hour tonight.

I selected eight random blogs and submitted them to the Illuminati. They reviewed each one and I picked six for you to read. We’ll now go through these reviews one at a time. I will say that upon full review, these are not as offensive as I wished. I will supplement some of the weaker hate with some hating of my own.

Let’s start with with Jessa Jeffries, a girl who has a special place in my heart (and Furball’s too)…

Egg Shen: Chinese proverb say, “Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one.”
Jessa one hot fortune cookie, but for fuck’s sake, how about using spell check once in a while?
Spell it with Egg Shen… “ridiculously poignent”, not “rediculously poinent”. Fuck. What a hot dumbass.

Brutus: Okay, you think you’re hot. We fucking get it!

Murdoc: Sorry you’re getting married so young, dear, but does knowing nasty lonely dudes wank off to old photos of you really make you feel better about yourself?

Oooh bust. I will say that I do enjoy her photos… at night… alone… naked… with lube… in my right hand… and a tight grip. Anyways. The next blog is DC Gays Of Our Lives.

Brutus: We’re going to have to find a new word for gay, because “gay” isn’t enough to describe just how gay this blog is. It’s ubergay. And uberboring.

Egg Shen: Zzzzzz. Zzzzzzzz. Huh? What? Egg Shen thought homos supposed to be interesting and provocative. Like “Will And Grace”.
Nothing more tiresome than Chatty Kathys. With dicks.

Murdoc: Only good for grabbing the newest, gayest lingo around. Otherwise, heteros clearly not welcome. Just like Shirtless Thursdays at Green Lantern! Tee hee!

Calling a gay blog gay is like 50 Cent calling Fat Joe fat. It just doesn’t have zing. I will just say that this gay crew seems to have the most fun at the happy hours. Moving on to Rock Creek Rambler…

Brutus: Oh boy, another fucking post about the smoking ban. This douche needs to get over it and move on with his life.

Murdoc: Secretly gay. One minute he’s all hard saying fuck this and that, anarchy in the UK, and the next he’s talking about the veal fireworks in his mouth at dinner. Repressed poofter.

Egg Shen: Rock Creek so smug and all-knowing in his smarmy little world. Must be nice to be punching the time clock at the law office at 10 AM.
Wait until boss find out about blog. You’ll be laughing yourself silly all the way to poorhouse. Asshole.

Props to Egg Shen for finishing strong with the RCR hate. I do not know what a “poofter” is but I’m sure it’s bad. Next up is a member of his drinking society, Jordan Baker, a delusional person who was dealt severe ownage by yours truly. I think she is the only person I have made cry through my blog power.

Brutus: Doesn’t she have anything better to talk about than her eyebrows and her broken keyboard? I predict that one day she will be the owner of many, many cats.

Murdoc: Schoolmarm playing at bright-but-cute popular girl. Without photos, I’m not buying it. Off with Miss Ichabod’s boring, long-winded head.

Egg Shen: Gahhhh! For fuck’s sake! Enough with the pink and magenta fonts. Make Egg Shen feel like Lo Pan pluck out other good eye.
Baker seriously in need of editor. Overly long, boring posts make Egg Shen want to go ass-rape neighbor’s cat.

I think it’s ironic that someone working towards a graduate degree in English has one of the most unreadable blogs on the internet. How about another female blogger, Rhinestone Cowgirl…

Egg Shen: When Cowgirl leave for Egypt? What? Not going because of lymphoma scare? Sounds to Egg Shen like desperate cry for attention. Quit smoking pot. Maybe that will help.

Murdoc: Even with all the nasty sexual details spilled here, I just don’t care about this psycho bird. All the expensive clothes and make-up in the free world can’t cover up the crazy, love.

Brutus: It’s like a neurotic, self-absorbed trainwreck careening over the cliff of Too Much Information.

OWNED! This is how hating is done people. I think my heart is beating faster. Okay then moving on to the final review of DCeiver, DC’s version of George Constanza.

Egg Shen: Chinese proverb say, “Kill one to warn a hundred.” DCeiver’s blog sucks. You are saved. Thank Egg Shen later.

Brutus: I can’t wait for the next boring, endless recapitulation of “Lost.” It’s like Tolstoy meets TV Guide.

Murdoc: Biggest fucking name dropper I’ve ever seen. Only problem? The names you’re dropping are blog geeks, mate. Wonkette dropped you pretty bloody fast as well.

Umm I guess we didn’t save the best for last. And I’m not sure what point Egg Shen was trying to get across.

Well that concludes this first installment of the Illumnati’s Unbearable Lightness. I’m sure there will be another.

You meet a girl and get her number. You call her but she doesn’t answer, so you leave a message. Less then 24 hours later, she calls you back when you weren’t at your phone. But she doesn’t leave a message. What do you do?

This is actually a very hard dating question. Other variables such as initial meeting duration length and speed of callback play a factor. This girl probably isn’t big on reciprocity, and wants to make you sweat a little. Chances are she has a lower-back tattoo and would make for an excellent notch.

A man’s options:

1. Don’t call back. This is for the man who, like Robert DeNiro in Heat, is not afraid to lose it all. Chances are the girl won’t call back a second time because she is making the assumption that her phone number is displayed under “Missed Calls”. If you think you are the man who doesn’t need to chase, then this is your option. Don’t worry, there will be another guy who will close her for you. His “I fucked this slut” story will beat out your “I didn’t fuck this slut” story.

2. Call back. If you think your connection is weak, then you may need to call back. Chances are she won’t answer, so you have another decision of whether to leave a message or not. This then goes beyond the scope of this post, with many possible outcomes, like one of those multiple ending books you still read. I can’t approve of this move because it sends the message that you don’t mind putting in more work than her.

3. Text back. Oooh didn’t see that one coming did you. This is where new technology has given us more response possibilities. Texting is in the middle of the above two options, and the road I would suggest guys take in a situation like this. If you have to resort to text game playing then you probably lost anyway, but it’s one of the options where you don’t seem like a little bitch.

What I do: I delete her number off my phone. If she wants to talk to me she has to call back AND leave a message (since I don’t answer calls from unknown numbers). Girls who don’t leave voicemails are always a headache.

It’s sad when I see a girl with bad game. She just doesn’t get it, and probably never will. There is no one but her parents to blame for not developing her self-esteem enough to be wanted by men, regardless of her physical flaws. The list below compares how girls with bad game and good game act to someone they are interested in.

Bad Game: “I’m busy.”
Good Game: “Ummm, sure okay. :)”

The girl with bad game always goes to a default of “I’m busy,” the hallmark of an amateur. She takes the ‘appear scarce’ rule a bit too seriously, when all it’s meant to do is prevent overexposure to someone new you are dating. For instance if I go on a first date with a girl, why would I start calling her every day after that? I would hope to think most men have their own lives, and wouldn’t immediately change that just because they went out with someone new. The girl with good game is all too aware that guys see through “I’m busy,” and will do more subtle moves such as planting ambiguous seeds of doubt as he tries to take things to the next level. These hesitations are effective because it makes a guy wonder why she isn’t responding enthusiastically. It’s flirting on an advanced level.

Bad Game: Lets you kiss her very soon
Good Game: Makes you suffer

Most girls are too easy. With a couple drinks in them you simply need to keep moving in until you kiss. A few years ago I went out with a very cute girl on a date. After a couple hours of conversation I swear she wanted me to kiss her but she kept pulling back gently and smiling every time I tried to get close. I felt weird because I didn’t understand what was going on. But after pulling back she would continue to touch me, confusing me even more. Even after I had her laying on my bed, she still wouldn’t let me kiss her. It was only then that she sensed how frustrated I was and relented, leading to a very memorable night. Compare this to the club slut that let you stick your tongue down her throat after ten minutes: Which girl am I going to take more seriously?

Bad Game: Plays hard to get to make you like them
Good Game: Plays hard to get because she knows you like it

Intent makes a world of difference. Pulling back on me because you are insecure about your own attractability is completely different than pulling back to arouse me. Amateurs constantly worry about themselves and the image they portray, while good game girls are confident in their ability to attract you and will play the game to see how worked up they can make you.

Bad Game: Takes your shit
Good Game: Gives it to you right back

A girl who is generally insecure does not like her balls busted. She simply can’t handle it because you are picking at her fragile ego. On the other hand a confident girl will dish it right back at you, fostering a more playful relationship. With the bad game girl you are always treading on thin ice because you wonder if the next thing you say will make her cry. She takes herself too seriously, and expects you to treat her so.

Bad Game: Calls at predetermined times
Good Game: Calls when she wants to talk to

Bad game girls set up rules of engagement when calling men. This is obvious when you leave a message and she returns your call at exactly the one or two hour mark. The good game girl does not do this. She can call you back within a minute, a day, whenever. She does not think about how the call makes her appear in your eyes, whether you will like her less because not enough time has passed.

Bad Game: Doesn’t like silences
Good Game: Understands that the silences make the relationship

It’s easy to tell when the bad game girl is uncomfortable: she starts looking around nervously, and fidgets more with her hands and legs. She can hold eye contact only for a couple of seconds. Girls who can’t appreciate a good silence likes to fill the air with random conversation, as if she is uncomfortable with hearing the thoughts in her head, like the ipod addicts who can’t live life without some distraction in their ears. The good game girl has the ability to stare into your eyes indefinitely, making you feel relaxed yet aroused at the same time.

Bad Game: Goes crazy after sex
Good Game: Relaxes after sex

A bad game girl’s most vulnerable moment is right after she has sex with someone new. She constantly questions herself and if she did the right thing, if she slept with a man who really does like her for more than sex. This confusion usually prompts her to play the game even harder to see where she stands with him. The good game girl approaches things differently. After sex she has no regrets about what she has done because she lives in the moment. She doesn’t plan things out based on how you will perceive it, but plans them out based on how she feels. After sex she relaxes and puts away most of the bullshit games that come with meeting someone new.

A girl with bad game is driven by insecurity, while a girl with good game is driven by confidence. It’s that confidence tied with intelligence and independence that separate the pump and dumps from the keepers. Unfortunately they are so rare that many men choose to settle with someone who is simply good enough.

I think every -ist site, including DCist, sucks. The site represents how unemployable writers will whore out a lame trend (blogs) to make a buck. Since I’m so in the loop with the geopolitical social nightlife scene in DC, I was able to come across a confidential fax.

            DC            -ist Formula For Success (Imagine the ‘DC’ is handwritten.)
DO NOT RELEASE

1. Be generic. Make sure you fit the exact style and mold of your -ist brothers and sisters. Do not dare to be original with writing or content. If your creative bone starts acting up, turn off your computer immediately.

2. Feature other people’s photography by stealing “showcasing” pictures from Flickr. People who live in   (insert city name here)   can’t get enough of monuments they’ve seen a million times.

3. Regurgitate news found on media outlets (for starters check newspapers that end their name with Post or Times). Summarize the article and then make a dull comment so it doesn’t look like you’re just copying and pasting stuff.

4. Do not potentially offend a reader by taking extreme positions. Actually, do not take any positions. Remember, to maximum ad dollars we need a lot of viewers. While you write, make-believe you are not an individual, but a generic person who can seamlessly blend in with the general population.

5. Feature local bands… any local band. We need to show that we are hip with the underground scene, even though it is dark and frightening.

6. Post the weather everyday because it’s hard for internet savvy readers to get that information elsewhere. If you’re feeling frisky, throw in a traffic photo of an intersection so the two people who actually encounter it can look at it when they get to work.

-end transmission-

Two individuals, Jen Chung and Jake Dobkin, created the original -ist site in New York and then decided they can quit their barista jobs by carbon-copying it to other cities. Under the guise of caring for community causes and local residents, they continue to open -ist sites for one reason only: money. Targetted advertising brings top dollar in the blogging world, and there will always be fledgling writers who will do anything to get read by someone other than their old English professor. The -ist sites try to unite bloggers in each individual city while representing everything opposite of what blogging is supposed to mean: orginal, witty content free of marketing influence.

I was curious on what type of person would write for an -ist site and get paid almost nothing for it. (Chicagoist: “…everyone at Chicagoist contributes for the love of it, not for money”. Yeah, the love of making money for other people.) To find out I crafted an e-mail which would give six random DCist staff members a lot of room to come back with some personality.

My-email:

I am a daily DCist reader from Maryland and have a question for you. How did you get the writing gig at DCist? I’ve never seen a “now hiring” link on the site to apply.

Also, by using your full name, aren’t you scared to get Google’d by someone you may randomly meet, and them reading your writing? Years ago I was a big part of a Dungeons and Dragon internet forum, not knowing that Google would cache the information (which continues to haunt me). Every time a girl suddenly loses interest in me, I wonder if she found me out. Efforts to bring down those pages permanently have failed.

Cheers

One thing common about all the replies (five wrote back) is that they were wordy. All went into their hiring history and most asked questions about my writing, encouraging me to try out for a DCist gig. The replies were so polite that I would feel bad about posting some of the highlights.

That said, here are some highlights:

I’m not all too concerned about someone finding out about what I do or what I have written. I was arrested in college, and that appears on Google, so all things considered, DCist is the least of my worries! And sometimes the stuff that appears on Google can help. Well, depends on the girl, but still…

I’m going to make an anonymous web site and link my name to the phrase “animal in bed.”

I’m proud of my work on DCist so it’s not exactly something I try to hide, although I definitely get your drift. When I go out with girls I have to tell
them I am a blogger and assure them my private life is for the most part private.

Actually girls won’t admit it, but they like it when you write about them as long as you don’t totally trash them. It shows you care, or something.

If a girl finds my stuff on the internet and is somehow turned off, I think its their loss, not mine.

I use that same rationalization when a girl doesn’t call me back after a night of showing her my moves on the dance floor.

actually, in the past few months i’ve considered writing for DCist to be an asset for my career. i was accepted to [a decent school] to study new media journalism [i.e. blogging], and i’m pretty sure writing for DCist played a part in that. [...] [DCist] helps make a name for all the authors on the site. it’s not like i’m writing for the washington post or anything, but blogging is very “hot” right now, and i think it’s something that’ll be around for a long time.

(This e-mail reminds me of high school, when all the popular kids would run for class council just to pad their resumes.)

A trend’s downfall begins when it is identified as “hot”, like when the media was all over Krispy Kreme donuts, making losers who waited days in line for store openings appear hip and normal. Those very same people were then featured in hundreds of gastric bypass stories two years later. I can’t wait until blogs die and the sites that actually create content remain. Linking to other sites that linked to sites which created something is just like a frat house circle jerk.

I’m going to be the first and last person to hate on DCist. For hit-thirsty DC bloggers, no site owner would be stupid enough criticize a site that gets 5,000 page views a day of a local audience. But I, ladies and gentlemen, am that stupid. I won’t sell out for hits or money because thankfully I have this thing called a job.

Don’t expect any type of reply from DCist. That would go against the rules sent down from the corporate headmasters in New York. Blogging may be hot, but being cheesy and commercial isn’t.

POSTSCRIPT: A DCist writer who got the D&D e-mail sent a mass e-mail happy hour invitation to my DCB account a day after, probably not knowing I’m the same person.

We’re writing you because we’ve long been fans of your blogs and activity within the D.C. blogosphere, and we’d like to invite you to the next DCist happy hour for drinks and discussion

I wonder if they are still fans. I reply back saying I can’t make it, and hinted that a critical review of DCist was upcoming. (I also let the editor know as well, because as a professional webmaster, one must act in a professional manner.)

that’s okay - we don’t read dcbachelor.com that often.

Note the “we”. :laugh:

Here are 30 tips that I’ve noticed or been told by others. You don’t have to have it all, but each one helps.

Buy nice clothes. Buy a nice pair of shoes, pants, and a couple shirts. Look in men’s magazines and ask the opinions of store clerks or girlfriends for a style that will fit you. I suggest French Connection, Banana Republic, H&M, and sometimes the Gap. If that isn’t your style, at least aim for a minor upgrade.

Get a nice hair cut. Look at current movie actors for inspiration, such as Brad Pitt or Colin Farrell. Take pictures to a barber, or better yet, a gay stylist.

Be a little bit metrosexual. Pluck your eyebrows if they are too thick, and trim your underarm, ear, and nose hair. Use facial products or medicines to improve your face. Put gel in your hair when you go out.

Find a good cologne. People forget that smell is very important in attraction. Go to a department store and try out all their cologne. Check out what the top sellers are and ask for female opinions.

Check your breath. You can be the biggest pimp in your world, but if your breath reeks, you are not going to get any. Rinse with Listerine and brush before you go out.

Maintain good hygiene. Getting shit on the toilet seat (like one of my roommates) or skid marks in your underwear is symptomatic of a large hygiene problem. Take care of yourself.

Go to the gym. One of the best ways to build confidence is to feel good about how you look. If you think you are too fat, then focus on losing weight until you feel comfortable. Get cut.

Talk. This is most important. You must be comfortable speaking with humans, young and old, everywhere you go. Strike up conversations with store clerks, coworkers, acquaintances, and anyone else. Read the book Conversationally Speaking.

Be interesting. The most interesting guys are well-read and well-traveled. Their experience is so vast that they always have an interesting story or fact to share. If you are doing the same boring thing everyday in your room, you won’t have many interesting things to talk about.

Be passionate. Choose hobbies and activities that get you excited. Share this excitement with others. Expose people to your world; they will want in.

Lose the fear. This is the hardest thing for some guys to accept. They imagine bad things in their mind, preventing them from action. The only way to lose the fear is to do the exact thing you fear.

Get rejected. When you get rejected, you learn about attraction and what it takes to succeed. Ironically, you learn the most from rejection, not success. I don’t know of a guy that is successful with women who does not get rejected consistently. It builds confidence.

Be cool. While being “cool” is subjective, a good indicator if you are cool or not is to see if people want to hang out with you. Coolness encompasses a lot of qualities depending on where you live, such as style, slang, humor, and balls (risk-taking ability). Stay current.

Have character. While it’s okay to get what you want, it is not okay to lie and take advantage of people. Would you want a guy hurting your sister?

Don’t qualify yourself. There is no need to explain your behaviors and flaws to other people. Don’t show up to a date and say, “Sorry I don’t look great, I just got off work.” Don’t let a girl ask you questions proving yourself to her. Let her qualify herself to you.

Approach. You greatly increase your success by getting out and talking to girls.

Look your best at all times. The one girl you really want will show up when you are looking like you just rolled out of bed.

Be funny. I watched Seinfeld and Simpsons as a kid so I get most of my humor from those shows. Don’t laugh at your own jokes.

Touch. Show that you are comfortable with her by touching her. Read the palm of her hand for fun.

Build a large social circle. It is easier to meet girls who are friends with your friends. Be generally outgoing and fun to meet new people, even if they don’t offer an obvious gains.

Tell stories. Find a few interesting and funny things that have happened to you and make excellent stories out of them. Focus on the feelings instead of the minor details. People are always entertained by stories.

Don’t smother. The more you push, the more she will pull away. As a general rule, leave the girl space to think about you and why you aren’t calling or asking her out. Just remember they will like you more if you don’t turn into a needy rag.

Be a man. Hold on to your own opinions and beliefs, and don’t be afraid to get into an argument with her. If she starts crying, ask if you can eat her sandwich.

Improve your body language. You should have your head and shoulders high, walking with a strong confidence, yet a liquid grace. Watch some James Bond movies for examples.

Maintain eye contact. You’ve heard the phrase, “the eyes are windows to a person’s soul.” Real connection takes place with the eyes. Don’t break eye contact you have with strangers; let them look away first.

Figure out attraction. Stop thinking in terms of “What can I do to make her like me,” and start thinking about how the emotion of attraction works and how you can make her feel it for you (hint: being insecure doesn’t work).

Tease. Teasing works if she laughs or playfully hits you. It does not work if she gets offended or insulted. I tease girls like I would my kid sister.

Be fun. Make the most out of every situation and always be upbeat and ready to party. People will automatically get drawn to you. Don’t be afraid to let loose and do what’s fun.

Have game. Lots of internet sites online will teach you techniques and lines, but the best way to learn is through friends who are good with women. Find out how they deal with women in specific situations. Read books such as The 48 Laws of Power and The Art of Seduction to better understand human behavior.

Relax. If a girl is feelin’ you, then great. If not, then just smile and move on. This is not to be taken too seriously.

You can do these 30 things and get laid, maybe even regularly, but you will never be the guy fucking the prom queen. There is only one tip you need if you want to be that guy that others envy….

Don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself. Fuck everything above and don’t try to impress a girl with money, clothes, appearance, personality, career, or humor. Work on your own shit and the girls will come to you.