“Complete the sentence: ‘I’m not gay, but…’ ”

I’m not gay but I’ve grabbed male thigh, crotch, and ass. I’ve checked out guys packages at the gym (for comparison purposes). I’ve been hit on and touched in the gym while naked. I hang out with guys who like to joke around and touch my thigh and crotch. Lastly, I turned down guaranteed sex from a portly Wisconsin girl during Spring Break 2002.

I haven’t been out in three weeks. This also means I haven’t touched a woman in three weeks. But I kinda like the break… no smoke, no lame people, and no money wasted. I thought about how much money I’ve spent going out since I gradated college.

Since June 2001, I have been out about 2-4 times a week on average, including dates. We’ll say 3 on average. When I first started going to shitty bars, I’d maybe spend $10, but at yuppie bars that goes up to sometimes $30. And then you got dates, which are rarely below $30. To be conservative we’ll say I spend $20 each time I go out.

3 x 52 = 156 times I go out a year.

156 times x 3.75 years = 585 times I’ve been out since college.

585 x $20 =

$11,700

:whoa:

If I never went out and invested that money into a conservative investment, I’d probably have at least $15,000 more than I have now. Granted I’d be a social shut-in, but still it makes you think. And what do I have to show for spending all that money? A liver that no longer considers me his best friend and the ability to get phone numbers. Ooooh wow. I’m going to go count some change now so I can buy that French Connection shirt I’ve been eyeing.

This morning someone commented that I was in the St. Patrick’s day spirit with a green t-shirt and part-green sweatshirt. I look down, think for 5 seconds (it was early) and realize that I was wearing a lot of green. Bold green. “Fuck, if I knew it was St Patrick’s Day I wouldn’t have worn this.” I was doing so well this year by being anti-society but I had to blow it today.

I hate St Patrick’s Day because of the Irish Bar, and on this day everyone wants to go to one. WHY DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A PLACE FILLED WITH DRUNK WHITE PEOPLE AND THE STENCH OF VOMIT AND BEER? WHY???

As you get older you start to associate anything Irish with vomit. It’s simple: Irish people - and Irish bar fans - drink so much that they eventually vomit and then smell like vomit. And then they vomit in your car, promising to clean it up but they never do, leaving you with a car smelling like vinegar (the cleaning instructions said vinegar but you thought triple the vinegar would be better). And then you put baking soda to neutralize the vinegar, creating a white paste that stays on your car seat for weeks. God that sucked.

Stay far far away from any girl who mentions “ambition” as a quality she wants in men. She just wants to make sure you are making a future commitment to being materialistic like her.

Ambition does not get on her guy laundry list until about age 25, when she thinks she’s done letting guys bang her for free.

Propaganda distribution occurs in both dictatorships and democracies. In dictatorships, the government owned news feeds sugar-coated trash 24 hours a day. The people in these countries KNOW they are being manipulated. No one in China or Iran believes the things they hear on the news channels there. The propaganda is then matched with a very powerful secret police system that watches over people who dare to verbalize the obvious manipulation.

Things are a little different in democracies. Here, there is no need for a secret police system (Dept of Homeland Security?) because the public BELIEVES EVERYTHING THEY SEE ON THE NEWS. And they believe it because they live in a “democracy”. Have you ever sat down with somebody who questioned a broadcast they saw on Fox News or CNN? Americans watch the news just like how they shovel food in their mouth: quickly and without thinking.

It comes at some surprise that Bush needs to supplement already favorable news coverage (he does have a channel dedicated to him, after all) with direct propaganda produced by his cabinet departments, disguised as news stories by real reporters. This technique was outed and heavily criticized, but Bush has come back with a big fuck you to everyone:

The Bush administration, rejecting an opinion from the Government Accountability Office, said last week that it is legal for federal agencies to feed TV stations prepackaged news stories that do not disclose the government’s role in producing them.

Why isn’t there outrage by conservatives on this? Do they like being manipulated? Do I REALLY hae to draw another ass-rape picture?

- WP: Administration Rejects Ruling On PR Videos

- The Propaganda Remix Project

I just read an article by Joel Achenbach from the Post about how he’s worried about immortality.

The immortality fears come after talking to Ray Kurzweil, certified genius. He’s an award-winning, multimillionaire inventor, author, futurist and entrepreneur. He’s so smart you wonder if maybe he’s already got some artificial components jammed into his skull.

Sounds like a smart guy. I wonder what amazing ideas he has come up with to have all these labels.

Sex will get complicated, Kurzweil said, as the technology of “virtual reality” enables us to have intense sensory experiences with software-based entities that are indistinguishable from real people. This will all happen in your mind, but it will be just like real life, down to the cigarette afterward.

Interesting. So to get labeled a “futurist” all I have to do is rip from the movie Demolition Man, one of the top 5 best action movie of all time.

Any more great ideas Ray?

Kurzweil says that when we stop the aging process everyone will be able to stay in their thirties. I asked him what this might mean for married couples. Some, he said, will remain committed for hundreds of years, but an increasing percentage of marriages will end in divorce.

What’s great about predicting future events is that everyone will forget what you said when the time comes. A couple years ago I predicted that VHS tapes will make a huge comeback in 2005, but no one has remembered to call me out on it. I can make all sorts of crazy predictions!